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I'm having a hard time right now. We're 3 1/2 months post D-Day and working toward R. WH has spent the first two weeks of his summer vacation taking a deep dive into books, articles, seeing his IC and taking notes. He even attended a sex addicts anonymous meeting. We're still not convinced he's a full-blown SA, but his IC suggested he explore the possibility and attend a meeting to see if anything resonates with him. I have to credit him for the work he's been doing. He's also been transparent with where he goes and I have full access to his laptop and phone.

My problem? I'm still deeply entrenched in my own trauma and pain. My defenses are up. Bad thoughts and pictures keep slamming my brain. I can't keep them out. I can't wish them away. I can't simply think about something else. I don't trust WH. It's too soon to give him a shred of trust. If I let my defenses down just a little, I'm afraid I'll be blindsided once again when some new, disgusting detail comes out (I think this is my key issue). The last thing I want to do is rug-sweep. I did that years ago for one of his many transgressions and I've lived to regret it.

I can't get the OW out of my head. I know she doesn't deserve my time, attention or one bit of space in my head. But she pops in there all the time. I can't get over the fact that she had my husband's romantic attention and focus for nearly two years. Together, they cheated, lied, betrayed and tossed me in the gutter so they could get their rocks off. They even screwed in my house, on my couch with the photos of my kids right next to it. WH refuses to admit that she's a horrible person. It's like he wants to keep a certain image of her safe in his mind. He says she's just a damaged, needy woman who made destructive choices in an attempt to feel loved and desired. He admits she's manipulative and self-centered, but then he says he was too. He can't let me put some blame on her once in a while without him swooping in to take half of it. It's like he's trying to protect her. It makes me sick. He says he didn't have feelings for her beyond friendship. He played along and kept her pacified for the sex and ego strokes. According to him, it had nothing to do with me. How? I read their emails. He gave her a list of my flaws and shortcomings to soften her towards having sex with him. She used everything he said to feel justified. "Oh this poor sweet man. His wife is a frigid bitch who isn't meeting his needs. It's my duty to screw him in my car and blow him in the bushes."

I tried IC and quit after 4 sessions. I didn't connect with the IC or feel like I got anything useful from her. I explained all this to her. Her solution was for me to just stop thinking bad thoughts. Stop thinking about the OW. Stop picturing them together. Stop wondering if the noises and faces he makes during sex are the same ones he made with her. Stop wondering if he's thinking about her when he's with me. Stop wondering what freaky things they did together that I'm not into. Stop wondering if my more conservative nature will ever be enough for him. Just let him do his work, focus on his actions and not his words, make myself happy and move forward. Nice advice. Easier said than done. Once a thought enters my head, once some little thing triggers me, it grows. It's there. It takes on a life of its own. It multiplies. When WH asks me what's wrong, I tell him. He retreats and gets defensive. He gets an annoyed tone. Throws his hands up in frustration. He tells me to just stop the thoughts. He doesn't know how to be kind, caring, reassuring and soothing. He makes it about all about how it's bothering him. He told his IC that I can't seem to control my bad thoughts. The IC said, "Can't or won't?" So now WH is convinced that I just refuse to put these things out of my mind. Wow! Does he not understand that I would If I could? Does he really think I want to feel this way? Does he think I'm happy walking around all day, going to work, talking to my family and friends, all the while stuffing down my immense pain and acting like everything is just fine and dandy? It's exhausting to keep up this act. This morning he asked me, "What brings you inner peace? Just focus on that." Huh? So I'm supposed to be driving down the road and start thinking about cute little bunnies hopping around? Is that going to get to the core of the issue, or just cover it up for a little while?

I'm really confused and reeling from all this. I do plan on trying another IC. There are literally none available around here that take our insurance. They're all booked up and not taking new patients. My only option is online, which isn't the greatest, although WH is doing fine with his. I'm traveling for much of July, but will try to fit in a few sessions if I can. I don't really expect any advice here. I'm sure most people will direct me to IC and tell me to focus on myself while WH focuses on himself. It's just hard to see him happily skipping through life while I'm stuck in a pit. He say's he not skipping, that he is also hurting deeply. He just doesn't show his feelings. He thinks about them instead. It's like talking to a stone statue. I get very little feedback or understanding, but he says it's there. Thanks for letting me vent.

[This message edited by FireandWater at 8:18 PM, Saturday, June 25th]

Your husband has already proved what he is……a selfish liar. Until he acknowledges that and works to change you will continue to be alone in your marriage.
It is time to step back from him and heal the wounds he gave you. He obviously cares less about helping you. Get some tough boundaries and stick to them.
Find a good IC who focuses on trauma.
Talk to a dr about medication to help you for the next few months. Stress is so bad for your health so you need to find some way to let go of some of it.

One question, do you want to save your marriage? Yes or no the next question is why?

Fire
I am so sorry you are dealing with this.
It’s hard as hell and is probably the most painful thing you’ve ever experienced. And it’s a lonely journey since only the people who have walked it know what you are going through.
Trauma from a betrayal cuts deep. It rocks our world. It shatters everything we believe. Your dday was just 3 months ago so everything is very raw for you. Your brain is still in shock and is trying to process everything. It will take time for your brain to calm down. Until then, your emotions are going to be all over the place-grief, anger, regret, intrusive thoughts about AP, AP with your spouse, oh, the mind movies…..
I don’t have much advice to offer you but am here to encourage you to hang in there. I used to think about the AP ALL the time! I knew intellectually she didn’t deserve any of my headspace but i just couldn’t stop. She literally lived in my head full time. I, too, was so angry over her receiving my ex’s attention and affection. I hated her with all my might. I thought of revenge plots. I wrote many nasty emails addressed to her (but sent to my address)
Interestingly over time those thoughts have diminished. I don’t think about her as much. I realized that she is an asshole, trash, immoral piece of crap. She can never be me-a woman of character and integrity. So what if she got my cheating spouse’s love? She will forever be an adulteress. It will be part of her story forever! I don’t think she can ever live a "normal happy life" because she is so broken. I mean, she has to be broken to sleep with a married man, right?
You can’t just tell yourself to stop thinking about what pops into our heads. Our brains, especially traumatized ones, do not work like that. Heck, if we could do that, therapists would be out of a job and everyone would be happy with their lives. No, it doesn’t work like that. You need time to decompress your brain. And it will happen. Little by little. But right now, your brain is in a state of shock. It’s in a state of emergency. All hell broke loose in your brain.
Give it time. Feel whatever you feel. Don’t repress your feelings.

I went through 4 therapists before I found one I liked. The first two were like yours telling me to stop thinking about it, get some sleep, do fun things, well no duh. I could’ve told that to myself. You may have to try a few therapists before you find one you click with. It’s no different than finding the right hair stylist.
I am pissed that your husband is not showing you much effort. He is still rug sweeping, blame shifting, and expecting you to heal on your own. He is not stepping up to the plate. He still doesn’t get it. Reading books and doing IC is all good but his behavior toward and reaction to your emotions are despicable.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

Im going to be blunt. You are going to continue to have a very hard time with this. Because you are dealing with a serial cheater who is sorry he was caught,and, at only 3 months out, is already wanting you to just get over it already.

He's wearing a mask. He's in IC, and reading books. But when it comes to dealing with your pain,the mask slips,and its clear he isn't remorseful. You can not reconcile with an unremorseful WS.

He retreats and gets defensive. He gets an annoyed tone. Throws his hands up in frustration. He tells me to just stop the thoughts. He doesn't know how to be kind, caring, reassuring and soothing. He makes it about all about how it's bothering him

These are not the actions of a remorseful, loving spouse.

And his IC?? He needs to find one that specialises in infidelity.

The IC said, "Can't or won't?" So now WH is convinced that I just refuse to put these things out of my mind.

This person clearly has no clue,and a bad IC can do some much damage.

Also..why in the world do you think he might be a sex addict? Again, if this IC thought he might be,they would send him to a CSAT to be evaluated..not send him to a meeting to see how it feels.

Not all serial cheaters are sex addicts. Some are just selfish assholes.

I suggest you read the 180,amd implement it immediately. Stop trying to work on the marriage. Work on healing yourself. And watch his actions.

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:50 PM, Saturday, June 25th]

It’s only been 3.5 months. That is SOOOO early. It takes a year to get out of the shock stage, IMO. I also had the intrusive constant thoughts— for a long long time. There ARE tricks that can help, but they don’t just stop- they just help. (BTW, many of us find the anger stage hits around 6 months— just so you aren’t surprised if that happens to you).

Your intrusive thoughts are your brain trying to fit all the puzzle pieces together. You are trying to sort through what has real, what was lies, what really happened. It takes TIME for your brain to process this all, especially because you don’t have all the pieces. And now you question EVERYTHING because so many things you believed were lies. So you have to think it out over and over, until you can get a picture your brain can handle. Basically - you are totally normal for 4 months from DDAY.

I am concerned he doesn’t want to talk. Is that at all? Would he be open to setting aside, say , an hour or two a night to talk about it? Or letting your write down your thoughts and questions and he respond there as well? And have you tried journaling? (Here in the journaling feature or the old school way?). Some find that really helpful. I am a verbal processor, so I had to be able to vomit it all out verbally to put it all together.

R takes 2-5 years—- and from what I have seen here, I’d say it leans more to the 3-5, not 2. So you really are early days.

(((Hugs))) the early days are the worst and it is so hard.

It’s difficult to find a good IC who is adept at infidelity trauma-very difficult. Infidelity trauma is a relatively novel emerging concept in psychology and few therapists are up to speed.

Both of your therapists seem, from what you have stated, to not be quite up to speed.

Especially your BH’s therapist who said:

He told his IC that I can't seem to control my bad thoughts. The IC said, "Can't or won't?" So now WH is convinced that I just refuse to put these things out of my mind.

That, is a very ignorant and damaging statement.

And your therapist who believes you can simply just stop thinking about it, is definitely out of touch with the reality of infidelity trauma.

You will NOT stop thinking about it, for a very long time. Your mind will obsessively ruminate on the affair until it is done processing the event and all the thousands of questions you have about it.

Your BH has performed multiple acts of un-love and absolute disrespect:

-Sex in your home. Desecration of your marital domain. Your safe place.

-A long term affair.

-Denigration of you to the AP.

These particular assaults to you and the marriage will be extremely difficult to overcome. They are deep, intimate betrayals that some believe are unrecoverable, unforgivable.

But anything is possible especially if you have a dedicated WS.

What is definitely not possible, is for you to "just stop thinking about it."

If your WS is already bitching about your totally natural, common and expected betrayal trauma symptoms, that HE is totally responsible for, then he may not be up to the enormous, marathon task of reconciliation which is going to take YEARS (like 2-5 years).

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 9:08 PM, Saturday, June 25th]

Stop trying to save your marriage. You don’t know if it is worth saving (I.e., he is worth being married to) yet.

It doesn’t mean rush to divorce either.

Let yourself live in that in-between place where you haven’t decided to commit. Just watch. Listen. Ponder. Unknow your WH and. see him with fresh eyes. Envision multiple futures. Spend real time imagining the future you might want with him, and the future you could have without. Set the bar for what you will accept and what you won’t.

And you don’t have to accept this…

WH refuses to admit that she's a horrible person…It makes me sick.

If it makes you sick, don’t tolerate it. If he gets upset and expresses it, don’t tolerate that either. Tolerate NOTHING you don’t want to tolerate.

Who is doing who a favor here? You are offering an incredible gift. Never forget that.

Sending strength!

You feel he is protecting OW, because he is.

He says that he is also hurting deeply. He just doesn't show his feelings. He thinks about them instead. It's like talking to a stone statue. I get very little feedback or understanding, but he says it's there.

"I just don't show my feelings" is a common line.

They even screwed in my house, on my couch with the photos of my kids right next to it. WH refuses to admit that she's a horrible person...It's like he's trying to protect her...I read their emails. He gave her a list of my flaws and shortcomings to soften her towards having sex with him. She used everything he said to feel justified. "Oh this poor sweet man. His wife is a frigid bitch who isn't meeting his needs. It's my duty to screw him in my car and blow him in the bushes.

This is an abusive situation. You should leave.

[This message edited by morningglory at 12:41 AM, Sunday, June 26th]

You seem to be very angry with your WH, at his:

Serial cheating

Defending OW

Telling you to get over it

Explaining that his IC supposedly says you refuse to get over it

And then skipping through life like it's all fine.

Your anger is understandable.

Yet you never once mention that maybe he's not worthy of you, that maybe you should D, that maybe you'd be happier without the garbage behaviors and attitudes he has dragged into your life. Um, why not? Don't you wonder?

The person dragging you down is the one you don't seem to want to give up. That issue is a good place to start with IC. Your WH is not a good person, so you'll never be happy with him. And as a serial cheater, he's most likely just waiting for you to get over this OW so that he can start up with another one.

I'm sorry. Lose him and find happiness.

P.S. Isn't it only about a month since you caught him lying about pulling over for a car chat with AP? Or am I remembring wrong? That's like a new dday! No wonder you are in a bad place. Asshole.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 1:23 AM, Sunday, June 26th]

You said he's reading books, but I have to wonder what books he's read which recommend that he not bother with any empathy for what he's put you through. Do you honestly think he'd be okay if the shoe were on the other foot right now??? I really doubt it.

You're only three and a half months out. It's too early for him to expect you to be okay with what he did. He hasn't rebuilt trust with you and he hasn't had sufficient time to remediate the defects in his character which allowed cheating to become a legitimate choice in his decision tree. How are you supposed to feel safe and secure and recovered when he's essentially THE SAME guy he was while he was cheating? You're just supposed to take his word for it that he's all better now?.. while he's stonewalling you?

What he's done to you can and does create traumatic injury to the victim's mental health. This isn't a figment of your imagination. It's not a choice you're making. Your brain is processing this injury and there's a methodology to it. If you read a copy of The Body Keeps Score by Bessel van der Kolk, you'll see that there are big similarities in how human beings deal with trauma. You're not some special case who can just will her traumatic response away.

WH refuses to admit that she's a horrible person. It's like he wants to keep a certain image of her safe in his mind. He says she's just a damaged, needy woman who made destructive choices in an attempt to feel loved and desired. He admits she's manipulative and self-centered, but then he says he was too.

He's right that he was a manipulative and self-centered person too while he was cheating. But HE was "horrible" too, and THAT's the part he doesn't want to have to deal with. Cheaters like to think that they're essentially "good people who made bad choices", but the truth of the matter is that while they're cheating they're bad people. You can't give yourself permission to do bad things and then let yourself off the hook by claiming you're an awesome person. He might have been a good person before and he might be a good person after, but during? No. He was willfully committing adultery and he was injuring the person he vowed to love and cherish in the process. How can he address what went wrong in his character if he's sugar-coating the details? In order to really change, he's got to sit in his feelings and he's got to dig deep to find out WHY he made the choices he did, And those choices aren't about you. You're not some puppet master pulling his strings and making him feel things or do things. Something inside of him is capable of saying an enthusiastic "yes!" to cheating and lying. What is that thing? Where did it come from? And what is he going to do to remediate it??

You're doing okay. It's so early on and there's plenty of time for your WH to start getting it. He'll do better though if he educates himself on what you're going through. The Body Keeps Score is a good resource for that. It deals with trauma and even though it's not specific to adultery, it explains how the brain works and why it affects us the way it does. You can't just talk your way out of trauma. The wiring in your brain doesn't work like that. I think it will help you both to understand that your reaction is NORMAL and that it will get better with time and treatment.

Infidelity sucks. Everything about it sucks. But you're going to get through it. Believe it.

((hugs))

One question, do you want to save your marriage? Yes or no the next question is why?

Yet you never once mention that maybe he's not worthy of you, that maybe you should D, that maybe you'd be happier without the garbage behaviors and attitudes he has dragged into your life. Um, why not? Don't you wonder?

Yes, I do want to save the marriage and here's why. I take my vows very seriously, for better or for worse. It's worse right now, and I won't just give up until every avenue has been exhausted to see if it can get better. He's the one I fell in love with and chose to marry. We've been together for 41 years, married for 34. We've had good times. We have a rich history. We've built a life and a family together. We have two amazing adult sons, one of whom is about to move away with the girl he's likely going to marry. I won't just drop this kind of baggage on him without a fight. The other has autism. He's very sweet, very sensitive and values consistency and stability above all else. While I would not ultimately base my decision to stay solely on his needs, I would literally move mountains to keep him feeling happy and secure. A separation or divorce would literally devastate him, so it's not a decision I can make lightly. Lastly, despite everything, I still love my husband. I still care about him and his well-being. I would love to get to a place where we can have a strong marriage. Despite all his transgressions, he says he wants the same thing. I won't give up until I'm convinced that's the only choice, and I'm not there yet.

I went out for most of the day by myself. A little retail therapy can work wonders for the soul. After I got home I went into the bedroom and sent him an email to avoid another painful conversation. I said from now on, our conversations will be cursory unless we have a facilitator. I know a lot of people don't recommend MC until both people get firmly into IC, but this arrangement is not working for me. I need to feel heard. I need someone to help me reframe my thoughts and feelings in way he can understand. I need someone to check him on the way he picks at my words and misses the meaning of what I'm trying to say. I need someone to call him out when he's being defensive. I'm pretty sure he will act differently with another person there. I told him it's on him to get this set up. I'm not going to do it. He broke it. He needs to fix it. I'm taking a trip next week with my mom, sister and brother. It will be good to have some time away from WH so we can both reset.

I need to feel heard. I need someone to help me reframe my thoughts and feelings in way he can understand. I need someone to check him on the way he picks at my words and misses the meaning of what I'm trying to say. I need someone to call him out when he's being defensive.

I hope I'm wrong, but I've tried MC twice and never got this. They "both of you have good points" the whole session! The MC did NOT take sides, when clearly I was the one doing too much and fed up and ready to leave! Instead of telling him that, I was told I needed to "value his contributions" and "give him the hours or days he needs to form his thoughts" and blah blah blah. Some others have had better luck with MC, but what really helped us to R was:

A. Me with a good IC
B. Him with a good IC--it seemed anyway (and him consistently attending)
C. Me with firm, "I'll give you one more chance to get your act together" boundaries. I was not messing around.
D. Him believing me and straightening up.

Let me be clear. We separated for a long time and he won me back. I waited and waited prior to that, and he did not believe that I would walk away. After months of 180 and him doing IC and me doing IC, he started to see that he was actually going to lose me. THEN he started to work and win me back. Then we tried MC, etc.

My H was forever going to do what he wanted, pausing only to wait out the temper tantrums I had whenever I caught him doing selfish or creepy crap. I'd think things were better, then back to his bad behaviors he would go. I finally had to stand my ground. Many of us do.

Gently, it seems your WH fully knows that you "take your vows seriously" (most of us do) and won't leave because of your autistic son. Therefore, he plans to do whatever he wants. Why not? The worst that happens for him is dealing with your anger, but he seems to just manipulate you or pitch a fit to get you to back down. Or he plays nice to get out of the doghouse.

I wanted to start a thread on this and still might, but I did not think the "For better or worse" meant treatment of me? Is that what you think? I believe it means financial difficulties, illness, catastrophe. But not abuse, lies, manipulation, exploitation. I draw the line, ya know. Do you have a line? I think everyone should.

Good luck.

I wanted to start a thread on this and still might, but I did not think the "For better or worse" meant treatment of me? Is that what you think? I believe it means financial difficulties, illness, catastrophe. But not abuse, lies, manipulation, exploitation. I draw the line, ya know. Do you have a line? I think everyone should.

Well, if you look at each of the common vows individually, "in sickness and in health" covers illness. "For richer, for poorer" covers financial difficulties. I see "for better, for worse" as more of a catch-all for any crap that might come up. We're going through a really crappy time. We might come out on the other end. We might not. But I am committed to at least trying.

Thanks for the input on MC. I think it's worth a try right now because I really think we need a facilitator. I spoke with our friend who is a priest last month and he offered to facilitate a conversation between us. I thought about it, but I think we've gone past any help he could provide. Besides, we've been friends for years and I would be too embarrassed to say everything I'm feeling in front of him. WH has known him since college and they still play together in a gaming group. That could become awkward. I think seeing an actual MC is the best option. I can't keep having the same conversations with him, and I can't just sit around while he attempts to "fix himself." We need to learn some positive and productive tools to communicate, otherwise we'll just continue on the same path. We also need to ask questions and hear advice together. He tells me what his IC says and I told him what my IC said. There's no consistency. Some of the advice is conflicting. I get that we both need to work individually, but in the meantime, we still have to work together to a degree. If we don't, there won't be a marriage left to save.

I need someone to check him on the way he picks at my words and misses the meaning of what I'm trying to say. I need someone to call him out when he's being defensive. I'm pretty sure he will act differently with another person there. I told him it's on him to get this set up. I'm not going to do it. He broke it. He needs to fix it.

I have to agree with OIN that all too often MC's are so busy looking for middle ground that they miss the forest for the trees. The marriage is the client. But marriages don't cheat; people do. That said, if your purpose is to improve communications, that's something a skilled MC can usually handle. The problem is, they aren't likely to stop with that unless you are strong enough to stand up to them.

I don't think I'd let a WS choose the therapist. They'll choose for their own comfort and you need someone who will either stay completely out of the infidelity, or someone who won't try to blame-shift your WH's choices onto you or the marriage. He is singularly responsible for his choice to cheat and for all the rationalizations he deluded himself with in order to give himself permission to do something HE KNEW was wrong. An MC who allows that blame--shift to happen can destroy any hope you have of your WH making real and meaningful changes to his character by validating those rationalizations.

Whatever mental gymnastics he used are completely invalid when it comes to the integrity and the boundaries he was supposed to have. For example, my fWH told me that he didn't feel "connected" to me anymore. So yeah, one would assume he'd be out looking for meaningful emotional connections, right? Nope. He was advertising on Craigslist for NSA sex. His excuse was total bullshit. Nothing about NSA sex was going to fix his alleged problem of not being connected with his wife. If you don't have an MC who will throw the bullshit flag on every one of his rationalizations, he will leave that session thinking he was right.

I do think that it's possible to get good results in MC, but I also think that you need to be prepared to fight in that arena when you have to. If you're good to go when it comes to calling a professional down on his/her own turf, you'll do fine. My advice would be to choose the right person, never leave a session with a blame-shift validated, and don't be afraid to piss your MC off. A stupid one will sink you.

((hugs))

You just itemized a very respectable list of reasons to keep fighting.

Your devotion to your family and vows is inspiring, beautiful.

I hope your WH will realize someday the treasure that you are. I hope you realize it too.

I think that if you always keep in mind that you are a treasure and deserve to be treated as such, your decisions going forward will be well grounded.

Yes, I believe it’s is ok to pursue MC simultaneously with IC as long as IC is well underway, for the very reasons you mentioned above. It would be ideal if all therapists were coordinated and adept at dealing with infidelity and infidelity trauma.

keep in mind everything that CT mentioned above.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 5:41 AM, Sunday, June 26th]

You just itemized a very respectable list of reasons to keep fighting.

Your devotion to your family and vows is inspiring, beautiful.

I hope your WH will realize someday the treasure that you are. I hope you realize it too.

I think that if you always keep in mind that you are a treasure and deserve to be treated as such, your decisions going forward will be well grounded.

Wow. Thanks!

That's exactly what I needed to hear at the end of this long, painful day. I've been dwelling too much on some crap the OW wrote about me in her emails to WH, crap she obviously heard from him. He claims he didn't say much about me. What she wrote were merely her amplified perceptions based on her own insecurities and her desperate attempt to make him believe she was better than me. She's not. She cheated on her first husband with the second. Then she cheated on her second husband with my husband. But I'm the bad wife who didn't feed her husband's enormous ego. She's the one who was happy to swoop in, feed his ego and screw him in her car behind vacant buildings. Yeah, I'm generally a very humble person, but I will shout from the rooftops that I'm a better person than she can ever hope to be! She works for non-profits and volunteers to support political candidates for the good of her community. How would they feel about her if they knew she blows married men behind bushes? That would be quite the political scandal! Campaign Staffer Screws Married Man in City Park! I used to work in PR. I know just how to make such a headline happen. Lucky for her I'm not a vindictive person! Thanks for letting me have a good laugh!

I see "for better, for worse" as more of a catch-all for any crap that might come up.

For sure it is a catch all, everything from problems with kids to hating a job to catastrophe. And I agree that you should TRY in your M. Of course. You have to live with every decision you make in your life, and I am not suggesting that some random stranger on the internet knows better than you. But I am questioning the idea that our spouse should think we will not leave, they we take our marriage seriously while they clearly don't. I personally believe this mistreatment does not fall under "for worse" or "in bad times." This is about his abuse of you while you stand devoted to him, and while you might stay married with this philosophy, I fear you will lose your mental health in the process. Devotion at what cost to you?

Detaching and doing more without him is great. That is good for your mental health and a step in the right direction. I do believe, and my IC has always emphasized, that we should detach or distance from people who repeatedly disrespect us after we have clearly expressed our unhappiness with the behavior. This includes family, friends, adult children, and spouses. I also recommend using your behaviors to speak as your displeasure rather than using your words. He knows what you think already. SHOW him your disapproval instead. He will see that you have your limits and will not continue to be loving regardless of his dismissive treatment. You can love someone and not behave lovingly when they have not given that same treatment in return. You can love someone and do the 180. You can love someone and separate or move to D. Many people here still loved their spouse when they filed for D--but they loved themselves more. As we all should. And they had to draw a boundary and remove themselves from unhealthy connections and relationships.

I just think you should be cultivating limits in your own mind. Everyone should have boundaries of what they will not accept--certain actions, a certain timeframe for change, certain requirements that they cannot live without. For example, "If you hit me, I leave immediately." This does not need to be SAID. In my own mind, this is a boundary my H can never cross. Or "If he makes any contact with AP again, I will separate. I cannot deal with this level of disrespect." I think you are sorely lacking in any boundaries--expectations that have actual teeth in your mind. And in my experience, people with no boundaries are never treated well. I know you are scared of a future without him, but you need to begin thinking of your limits. Because his attitude:

When WH asks me what's wrong, I tell him. He retreats and gets defensive. He gets an annoyed tone. Throws his hands up in frustration. He tells me to just stop the thoughts. He doesn't know how to be kind, caring, reassuring and soothing. He makes it about all about how it's bothering him. He told his IC that I can't seem to control my bad thoughts. The IC said, "Can't or won't?" So now WH is convinced that I just refuse to put these things out of my mind.

is abusive. This is abusive and manipulative behavior that will absolutely wreck your mental health over time. Boundaries are needed to protect yourself.

Please, PLEASE do some research before you engage in MC. You need someone who has experience with infidelity or, like other posters have said, they will very likely not be helpful with regards to what you are looking for. You are responsible for 50% of the issues in the marriage, but 0% for the affair. That is all on him.

I have to agree with OIN that all too often MC's are so busy looking for middle ground that they miss the forest for the trees. The marriage is the client. But marriages don't cheat; people do.

An MC who allows that blame--shift to happen can destroy any hope you have of your WH making real and meaningful changes to his character by validating those rationalizations.

This is why it is vitally important that you get someone who understands infidelity as a TRAUMA. We had a rockstar MC who got this and held my husband to account for his actions and decisions. Your husband needs to face himself and deal with the consequences to his actions, which, by what you describe in your posts, is not happening. He is not R material if he is not showing true remorse and he will very likely cheat again. The IC he currently has is clearly not competent with regards to infidelity as a TRAUMA. Any therapist worth his or her salt would recognize the symptoms of trauma (if your husband is being honest, which is a big "if"...cheaters are professional liars) and not make incriminating statements about your experience and mindset post affair. Your husband needs an IC that has experience with infidelity or his wayward mindset will be enabled (as is clearly the case currently).

The other issue with this therapist is that he or she is making an assumption that they are qualified to treat a potential sex addict without a diagnosis from a professional. If your husband thinks he might be an SA, he needs to be seeing a CSAT for diagnosis and treatment. SA comes with a lot of additional work (meetings, work with a sponsor, etc.) that cheaters who are simple assholes with broken integrity do not necessarily require. Cheaters can use the excuse of SA in order to manipulate ("poor me, I am sick, let me off the hook"). Be cognizant of that. This is not to say that he is NOT an SA, and they CAN self-identify just like any other addict, but to be sure of his true status, it is best to get a diagnosis.

Gently, your husband's support of the OW is a giant red flag. Is he truly NC or is he in the affair fog? Either one is not acceptable. Please try to detach for your own sanity. There is information about that in the Healing Library. The intrusive thoughts are a symptom of trauma as your brain tries to process it. Be patient with yourself. You deserve a husband who will bear witness to the pain he has caused you, will listen without defense (there IS no defense), and will support whatever you need to manage your healing.

Please look up the ACTIONS a truly remorseful partner takes and take an objective look at your husband. You have the RIGHT to a partner who is willing to be truly remorseful.

Some random thoughts:

1) First and foremost, being betrayed is traumatic. One of the normal responses to trauma is to keep focusing on it relentlessly. We have a lot of control over our thoughts, but not when traumatized. At this point, you almost definitely can't stop focusing on the betrayal. You might tell that to your H.

2) If you want an MC who will confront your H, ask for that. Before setting up an appointment, ask the prospective MC about their view of As. If they think it's a symptom of M problems, stop. If they think they need to start with M issues, stop. If they think an A is an emergency that needs to be addressed before anything els in the M is addressed, go on. If they think the A is the WS's choice alone, continue.

3) I recommend reading Is It Love or Is It Addiction?. The author distinguishes between sex, love, and romance addiction, IIRC. Those are important distinctions, because the treatment is different.

4) Last and almost foremost, give yourself some breaks. Yes, of course you will need to make yourself vulnerable to your H again to get to a truly satisfying R - but not yet. I think the best approach is to let yourself be a little bit vulnerable, and find out how you feel and think about the results. If the results are good, open up a little bit more. If the results aren't good, confront your H, tell him what you want, and ask for it. But my reco is to go slowly, and to keep telling yourself that holding back and focusing on the betrayal are healthy and parts of healing.